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Rodrigo Duterte, also known as Rody, has announced his bid for US Presidency for 2020. The current President of the Philippines stated he could get the United States back on track and control the drug problem in what he deemed “one fell swoop”. Many sources, including Wikipedia, list his place of birth as Maasin, Leyte, Philippines, however Rody has confirmed he was actually born on U.S. soil, allowing him the opportunity to seek the chair of U.S. President. He further stated he won’t need to produce his birth certificate until his 2nd term, or release his tax returns. Rodrigo Duterte has also recently been spotted by TMZ outside of the doctor’s office that produced President Obama’s birth certificate.

President Duterte has also stated he would run on the Republicratic Party ticket, also known as the Republican Party within US common culture. When asked why he refers to the Republican party as Republicratic Party, Rodrigo simply shrugged and stated that both parties were absolutely worthless, and he looked forward to debating Yvette Felarca, leader of B.A.M.N. (By any means necessary), who has also announced her bid for the Demoblican nominee for the 2020 Presidency.

When asked about the fact that he will be 75 years old at the time of his campaign, Rodrigo Duterte stated he does more in a day at age 72 (currently), than most Americans accomplish in a month. He also added his daily activities won’t change much as the President of the United States, in comparison to being President of the Philippines. His current daily routine is:

  • 6:00 am no less than 10 drug cartel members are executed in his private garden, as he clips fresh roses.
  • 6:15 am Rody can be found admiring the recent executions over a hearty breakfast, being served by enslaved local children.
  • 7:00 am President Duterte determines which protestors from previous day need to be executed.
  • 8:00 am┬áHaving fulfilled his daily execution quota, Rodrigo Duterte can be found reviewing current policies with entrusted officials.
  • 11:00 am Government detail cleans up bodies of entrusted officials, who have been determined to be untrustworthy.
  • 11:15 am Lunch
  • 12:15 pm Rody generally leaves this block of time open to further clean up any loose ends. He has also named this “chuckle time”, as he reflects on the days events so far.
  • 1:00 pm New prospective policies are reviewed by “The Punisher”, to determine how to best curb any potential opposition. Even though they are reviewed, these policies are never signed into law, as they would reduce the amount of daily “chuckle time” for President Duterte.
  • 3:00 pm Rodrigo Duterte can be found in public, kissing babies. The babies he finds will be ideal servants later in childhood are taken from their parents to be raised by his current slave children.
  • 3:08 pm President Duterte generally finds a random person to shoot during this period of time. He has stated these actions to be synonymous with English fox hunting, and can sometimes be seen blowing a fox horn during the “hunt”.
  • 4:00 pm the President of the Philippines can be found meeting with local rapists, to determine if there are any potential targets that are worthy of him taking first in line. Rody has publicly stated how upset he still is, over not having an opportunity to be first in line during the 1989 gang rape of Jacqueline Hamill, an Australian Missionary, during the Davao hostage crisis.
  • 5:30 pm Rodrigo Duterte can be found eating dinner with a large group every night. Enjoying a 7 course meal for every dinner, Rody has a large group of “taste testers” at his disposal, to ensure his meals aren’t poisoned. This is a highly recruited and well paid position in the Philippines, as the turnover is as high as a helicopter machine gunner in Vietnam, with a life expectancy of 2 minutes.
  • 6:30 pm Evening recreation for President Duterte includes what he calls taser time, similar to the U.S. game laser tag, except he uses live tasers for recreational purposes, and is the only person in the game with a taser. Anyone who doesn’t wish to participate in taser time, is generally placed in line for execution the following morning at 7:00 am (see above for reference).